Everything
by girl who casts no shadow
Summary: Everything changes in the blink of an eye.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N - I've always had little stray thoughts here & there about shows I watch. Decided that I'd finally get around to writing them down. This is my first attempt. It's mainly for myself but if you enjoy it then who am I to complain? Apologies ahead of time for any spelling/grammer errors. I have no "beta editor" and am just doing this willy nilly. **

**Disclaimer** - I don't own Castle or anything related to it. (Granted I REALLY wish I did at times.)

**Everything **

_"Body on Avenue A and 2nd. Call me back if you need a ride."_

...

_"Going back to the house since I'm done with the scene. Apparently sleeping beauty forgot to set his alarm."_

...

_"Haven't heard a peep from you all morning. Wondering if you're going to grace us with your presence today."_

...

He sighed

_"Just wanted to let you know the body we got this morning is your kind of creepy. Call me and I'll fill you in."_

Pausing the voicemail he moves his thumb across the Iphone screen and sees that the remaining 2 calls are from her as well. He can't do this. He can't call her back now. Not after what happened this morning. Not after the news that has left him sitting on a park bench on a cold NYC early afternoon looking over the central park pond. How had this happened? He took his vitamins, he started working out more a few months into shadowing Beckett, and apart from a messy burger here and there he'd taken to eating healthier. But none of that mattered now. As his eyes dropped to the paperwork in his clutched hands he saw the bold black letters...cancer. He has cancer.

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Esposito and Ryan make a noise behind her as she looks up just in time to see a pair of shining blue eyes looking at her, _"Detective Beckett?" "Alexis what a nice surprise, how has your day with Lanie been?" "Fine, mostly paperwork right now but it's really interesting none the less."_ Beckett smiles. _"Well it's nice to see one Castle actually doing paperwork since your father seems to have ditched me once again while I'm doing mine." "Oh has he been in today?"_ Alexis asks apprehensively. She knows she's not supposed to speak about it with Detective Beckett. She knows her father had promised her after his initial doctor's appointment that he'd tell Beckett in his own time after having explained to Alexis and his mother what the following procedures would be. But Alexis also knows that today he was getting the final results back from the procedures he'd done earlier this previous week. She'd been nervous all morning to the point that even Dr. Parrish had tried to ask her what was wrong as she brushed her politely off. She thought she was doing fine, she'd handled pressure before but she wasn't doing such a great job at it today.

Beckett can't help but lift an eyebrow _"actually no. I thought he'd come in this morning after I called him but I haven't heard back from him yet. Has he been writing all night again? He's not one to not call me back when I call so I'm assuming he's asleep and dead to the world right now."_ Alexis looks up abruptly and blanches at the statement then looks at anything but Beckett's eyes. The sentence had struck a nerve but she hoped her attempt to hide it had been done well. Her father was fine. Surely if something were the matter he would call her right away, wouldn't he? Beckett stared at Alexis as Alexis attempted to look anywhere else but at her. _"Alexis what's going on?" "Oh…nothing Detective Beckett."_ Alexis states with a smile that doesn't even reach her eyes. She's hiding something but what could it be? Beckett had noticed Castle being amiss these past 2 weeks but she'd chalked it up to his writing. He'd casually recently mentioned how much his ex, Gina had been pestering him for newer chapters of his book. She hadn't thought his absence was much up until this moment when a niggling sensation in her gut told her something was up. Beckett tugs on Alexis's arm and brings her to the break room. She nudges her onto a chair _"It's Kate, Alexis...call me Kate."_ Alexis looks up and nods her head. Turning around Beckett goes to fix two cups of coffee. As she does so she glances back to Alexis who now finds her hands to be quite fascinating as she tries not to keep wringing them together. Turning back around Beckett finishes frothing the milk.

As she slides the coffee mug towards Alexis and sits down she notices the exhaustion on Alexis's face. _"Boy trouble?"_ Alexis looks up to Beckett then looks towards her hands. _"I guess you could say that." "I've had my share. Want to talk about it?"_ Alexis looks up and bites her lip. God she'd like to open her mouth and let it all go. Speak the words that have been tormenting her mind as of late. But she can't. She's promised her dad and she would never break a promise. Biting her lip she looked down at the mug. Moments later she saw Kate's hand fold over her fingers that curved around the mug. _"Alexis you know you can talk to me about anything right? What's ours is ours. Girl talk. If you ever need to talk or a shoulder to lean on I'm around."_ Alexis looks up and nods softly. _"I know Kate. Thank you. I know. But I can't talk to you about this. I have to let him tell you and while I wish I could it's not fair to him."_ Alexis stands up quickly disengaging their hands from her mug. _"Sorry that I bothered you." "No wait, Alexis are you talking about your father? What's wrong?" "I can't talk about it Kate. I promised him and I'm sorry. But please, do me a favor and go look for him?"_ Beckett nods and seconds later Alexis quickly strides out the break room door. Beckett watches her then drags her eyes to the table where both their coffee cups still filled to the brim sat. What the hell was going on?

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	2. Chapter 2

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After watching Alexis stride out the room Beckett took a long breath. What was going on? Where was Castle? Picking herself up she moved out of the break room striding towards her desk as she called out to Detective Esposito.

_"Javi can you do a quick trace for me?"_

_"Sure boss, give me the number"_

Looking down Beckett quickly but softly whispered

_"Castle...try Castle's number."_

Both Detective Esposito and Ryan looked at each other before looking back at Beckett

_"Something we should be worried about?"_ Detective Ryan asked lifting his eyebrows.

_"Not sure yet. Just see what you can get for me. And guys, this is hush hush for now, ok?"_

With a quick nod Esposito started typing away at his computer as Ryan rolled over in his chair.

_"Do you think Castle's in trouble?"_

_"Not sure bro, but somethings up."_

Esposito replied as he clicked on his mouse and waited for information to populate on the site in front of him. Beckett picked up her phone and tried Castle again. Once again she got his voicemail. Sighing into the receiver she left a quick voicemail...

_"Castle where are you? Call me back."_

Placing the phone back on her desk she walked over to the boys. Something wasn't right. She could feel it now in the mess of jumbled nerves running through her body. Something was wrong but she wasn't sure what.

_"Any luck Javi?"_

Esposito looked up as she leaned on his desk and crossed her ankles. She was trying to be nonchalant but failing miserably. Obviously something was up.

_"Is Castle alright? He's one of us Beckett, if something's wrong I'd like to know."_

Beckett nodded then looked at her hands before looking him in the eye

_"I'm not sure. Alexis is worried and something's up but I'm not sure yet. I just want to find him right now."_

Esposito nodded and looked back to his monitor.

_"According to the service provider he's been staying in the same area"_

_"Which is?"_ Beckett said leaning in to view the monitor

_"Central Park"_ they both muttered then looked at each other before Beckett stood upright once again.

_"Cover for me if Gates comes looking? Not sure what's going on but I need to go find out."_

_"Sure thing boss. Let me know if you need anything else. I'm here for you both."_

Beckett quickly smiled and nodded

_"Thanks Javi."_

Moving to her desk Beckett picked up her jacket and strode out of the bullpen. She was going to find Castle and figure out what was going on.

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	3. Chapter 3

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Kate barely registered what she was doing as she strode out of the precinct and charged into a cab ordering the driver to drop her off at the entrance of the park and to step on it. She couldn't think past the memory of Alexis's eyes telling her that something was brewing and that she wasn't going to like it one bit. She chewed on her bottom lip as the cab waited in traffic going uptown. What the hell was going on and why was Castle hiding himself away?

When the cab arrived to the park entrance Kate jumped out throwing the driver some money. She walked quickly past the entrance of the park as a heavy feeling sunk in. What had he been doing all morning and early afternoon? Why had he not called back? Was he hurt? Quickly mounting visions of all the horrible possibilities started piling up in her mind. She shook her head and started walking further into the park. She was going to get to the bottom of this. She was going to find out what he had been hiding from her.

As she cleared the entrance and looked onwards to the lake she spotted his lone figure sitting on a bench facing the water. Children were playing about in front of him all dressed up for the chilly air in colorful gloves and scarves. He sat alone and seemed unfazed as he sat there rigidly in his blazer clutching what appeared to be papers in his hand as she came closer. With one look at his profile she could tell he was miles away in his head. As she silently walked up to him she called his name softly...

_"Rick"_

Nothing. He didn't even turn around. She moved closer getting into his line of sight

_"Castle"_

Still nothing. She was worried now. He sat there like an immovable statue. He looked cold as his face was ashen and his lips tinged a shade of grey. Placing her hand on his shoulder she softly shook him so that he could look up into her eyes.

_"Castle, please look at me"_

And in seconds he broke out of his trance and looked up. Except he didn't act like he'd actually seen her, as his mouth opened and closed without saying anything. She tried again as she softly patted his shoulder and ran her thumb across his neck.

_"Castle it's Beckett. Look at me, c'mon I'm right here."_

He was in shock. She knew this. She just didn't know as to why. She rubbed her hand across his shoulder and up to his neck as she curled her fingers behind it. He was so cold as her hand gripped his neck she could tell he'd been sitting there a lot longer than she had anticipated. She needed to get him up and moving. Possibly to somewhere warmer where she could hand him something warm to drink. But first he needed to actually talk to her. She bent down to his eye level and brushed her hand up and down the back of his neck.

_"Castle, what's wrong? Why are you here out in the cold? Please say something."_

She watched as he closed his eyes and shook his head before opening his eyes and looking straight at her.

_"What are you doing here? How did you find me?"_

_"You've been MIA all morning without calling me back. That's not normal unless you're in trouble. So I tracked you down. So please tell me...what's wrong?"_

Castle looked back down at his hands as he folded the papers in between his fingers and then he looked back up.

_"You tracked me?"_

_"Yes Castle, but c'mon you're scaring me now...what's wrong?"_

He looked back down and then up at her and shook his head.

_"Nothing, I'm sorry nothing's wrong. I guess I forgot where I was and let the time pass me by."_

She grabbed his collar and rubbed her thumb down it and frowned.

_"let the time pass you by?"_

_"Yeah…I guess…yeah"_

He replied in a jumbled fragmented way as he looked back into her eyes before quickly focusing back down on his hands as he tried to fold the paperwork once again before she could see. But at his agitated state she looked down and realized he was trying to fold doctors paperwork so she placed her hand on top of both of his.

_"Castle you're lying and you're holding onto paperwork from a doctor from what I can tell. What's going on? Is it your mother? Is something wrong with her? It can't be Alexis, she was fine in the precinct and..."_

At that Castle abruptly looked up

_"Alexis spoke to you? I can't belie..."_

_"No Castle, she stopped herself but she looked worried sick and at first I wasn't but now I am. So please talk to me. What's wrong?"_

Castle looked down again and breathed in deeply before lettting the breath out.

_"Sit...I'm going to need you to sit for this."_

Beckett shifted from the bent position she was in and moved to sit right next to him. She took in a deep breath as her left knee touched his right leg when she sat down and grasped his forearm.

_"Talk to me Castle. I'm right here."_

He looked back at her with watery eyes then looked towards the water. He saw the children yards away playing before him as they tossed pieces of bread to the ducks and he almost smiled at the sight before he once again was shocked at the weight of what he knew to be true inside of him. He looked down at her hand on his arm and looked back up to the water before glancing back to her.

_"It all started when I thought I had a cold a month back but..."_

he quickly picked up his hand and thumbed his right eye and placed his hand back on top of hers. Beckett moved in closer and her whole leg touched his.

_"Tell me"_

He breathed in deeply and nodded once before continuing.

_"It started with a lump. I found it as I was shaving one morning and thought nothing of it. But then the aches and pain started and so I thought I was coming down with a cold. I booked an appointment with my family doctor and went in for a check up. At first I didn't think much. But after he declared I had come in with a high fever and looked me over once he told me he had to run more tests on me. He kept telling me that I shouldn't worry…that it could be a multitude of reasons. Except..."_

He stopped and took a breath while Beckett ran her hand down his arm to his hand and grasped it.\

_"Except?"_

Beckett asked as she bit into her lower lip and prayed for a miracle. This couldn't be happening. Not when she was finally ready to tell him. When that damn wall of hers was ready to come down. When she could admit that she loved him and wanted him in her life.

Castle looked up and his eyes began to tear again. He shook his head and looked away. Beckett moved closer and pried his fingers away from the paperwork. As her eyes landed on the black font on the crisp white paper she gasped and he looked back. She looked back up at him as he began to cry.

_"Cancer? You….you have cancer?"_

He nodded again and then looked down at their clasped hands before finally letting go and letting the tears fall. Beckett grabbed onto his arm and pulled him to her as she wrapped her arms around his back and grasped onto the material of his blazer with both hands. The word kept repeating in her head – cancer…Castle had cancer.

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	4. Chapter 4

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Wrapped around each other Beckett's hand went to the back of Castle's head as she cradled him to her neck and felt as his tears hit her skin.

_"I'm sorry Castle. So, so sorry."_

Closing her eyes Beckett kissed the shell of his ear and nuzzled into him. She could feel the quick slight gasp before the sobs overtook him once again and she began to run her hand through his soft hair.

_"Listen to me. You will get through this and I will be with you each step of the way. I promise."_

Castle burrowed into her neck and mumbled into her skin

_"Castle? I couldn't hear you...what did you say?"_

Castle unfurled himself from her embrace and looked into her eyes

_"You don't need to do this Kate. I understand. I just...thank you for being here now...I...I don't need your pity. I...I can do this on my own."_

Castle looked away and rubbed at his eyes with his right hand. The doctor's paperwork crushed between both of them on the bench.

_"No Castle, listen to me. We're partners. I am going to be here for you."_

Castle turned around and looked back at the papers sitting between them. Not looking up he tried to straighten the paperwork that has been scrunched up beside him. Fearing the pity that he'd surely see in her eyes he kept his eyes down low.

_"I get it Kate. You…you don't need to hang around out of pity. I'll..."_

Kate grabbed his hands and pulled him to her. She grasped both sides of his face and slid one hand down so her fingers silenced the words he was about to say.

_"Rick I am not going to be here out of pity. I'm here because I want to be."_

Castle continued to look down so Beckett quickly tugged his head back up and craned her head down a little till he locked his focus back up on her.

_"No look at me Rick. I...I should have told you this before but it was never the right time. But if not now, then when? I want you to know that I'm going to be here because I want to. Because…I love you." _

Beckett stared into his eyes. Her heart hammered in her chest and she bit into her lower lip as she waited. Truth be told she had thought it would have been a battle to overcome to even utter the words out loud let alone to his face. But her admission had been far easier than she had expected it to be. The words free flowing from her lips like the wall had finally been blasted away. He sat there staring at her and for a brief moment she wondered if he'd heard what she had actually said. His only tell was the quick gasp she'd felt on her fingertips that still rested on his lips.

_"Rick say something, please?"_

Castle looked down and then back up. His eyes shone once again with unshed tears.

_"I...I never thought I'd ever hear you say those words to me. For a second there I almost thought this was a dream."_

Castle looked back down and his lower lip trembled as Beckett looked on. She ran her right hand through his hair and tugged on his earlobe softly. Looking up Castle bit into his lower lip.

_"It's not a dream though, isn't it? It's a nightmare. A horrible, horrible nightmare."_

Once again he broke down in tears as Kate gathered him into her arms. As she ran her right hand through his hair she cradled him to her chest and whispered soft loving words into his ear. She closed her eyes and hugged him tighter as he shuddered into her.

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End file.
